today is one of those days

funny enough how i seem to only post something when i'm not in a good mood. according to what my laptop shows me right now, today is Saturday, the 19th of October 2013 and i have no umbrella and been coping all day in my room doing nothing aside from scrolling down 9gag, tweeting, sleeping, and finally writing this post.

whose fault is that for leaving the one and only umbrella i have at home.
i supposed to get that shit back today. i was going to take the fastest train to home but things happened and instead of enjoying the smell of home, i'm enjoying the humidity in my room.

i haven't had a proper meal, that might be one of many factors of my bad mood today.

today is one of those days when i feel frustrated enough. one of those days SHIT THE ELECTRICITY JUST WENT DOWN HOW FUCKING NICE THANK YOU SO MUCH WHOEVER DECIDES TO MAKE EVERYTHING EVEN MORE FUCKED UP

ugh. UGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
wow that feels so fucking damn glorious good.
how i miss using capslock how i miss cursing how i miss being myself how i miss slapping the day out of some bitches who wear those fake masks. how i miss the feeling of being considered as someone close, as someone worthy enough. i begin to think i lost everything a long time ago and now it's too late to regret what's gone.

why am i so incredibly terrifyingly stupid. how could i fail to hold those little things i've considered as mine. how could i ruin everyone's day. how damn could. why do all i see is red red red red and then blue and then i feel the salty water running down my cheeks. i'm just so tired. i'm just so tired for not knowing what's tiring me. another day will pass. tomorrow will come no matter what.

and i will forever be such a try hard. no one will ever want me for who i am.
whoever read this rant please you can roll your eyes in front of the screen because maybe apparently i'm having one of those days and being over dramatic upon the smallest things and tomorrow hopefully everything go back to normal.

"menyukaimu dari jauh, dalam diam, dan dengan kesederhanaan"

semoga masih bisa tersampaikan :)

doesn't make sense

i get dreams of you.
even when i go blank, i get pictures of you flashing in my mind.
i get flashbacks, the ones where there are you and me in one frame.

this doesn't make sense, at all.
you know why, you do know the reasons.

hurts my heart.
flutters my heart.
do whatever you want, but please don't do the exact contradict actions at the same time just because,
just because i can't take it.

this doesn't make sense, at all.
because everything, everything is just happening to me.
you don't even get the same pain, do you?
you don't even feel the same tingling in your stomach, do you?
you exactly don't project the same visions i get.

you are the protagonist one here, in my little own drama.
that doesn't make sense.
and i still want you to be the main act here,
to hurt me down
to flutter me up
to be just you
just let me like you, and i will be content enough.
yes, this will never make sense.

one-sided crave

dormitory's farewell party was held today. i caught a glimpse of you. i swear to God i didn't even try to search you within the crowds. it just happened. i saw your back and you turned around--there, you. standing and smiling with all your glory, having no second thoughts whether those acts would melt me down right there on place.

seriously though, i said i wanted to move on, i stated that i would. but it seems the more i denied it the more i crave for you.

i unconsciously memorized your back, the length of your hair, the color of your skin. i unconsciously want to hear you calling my name, to hear your laugh, to hear my voice blending with yours.

i'm not unconsciously craving for you, because i'm perfectly aware that this is just one-sided

someday, someday

i think there is--even if it's small--a probability that he will come across this crumpled blog/trashy page of my twitter account and scrolling down everything until the very last page. reads every little thing i wrote, that i'm writing it now at the current moment.

reads what did i do on this date, on that time, in what month. what was my special occasion, what was being on my mind, what was bothering me. maybe he will also see all the stupid selcas i shared here. laughing and facepalming by himself. keeps trying to hold down the super wide grin forming on his fascinating face. perhaps, there is also time when he comes to wondering who is this guy i keep wailing for.

it is you.

you don't know just how much--at this moment--i want to scream until my throat becomes sore right in front of your face.

"all this time, it has always been you. after all this time and now it is still you."

every glimpse of you, you have no idea how much my knees become so wobbly. those seconds of staring contest between us, i should have told you how it is affecting my lungs. the portrait of your back that i could only admire secretly, hidden behind the girls at class who keep shouting admiration towards you.

you should have known how much i want you to hold the real conversation with me. how much i want to hear you calling my name. how is that going to sound from your mouth...

and by the way, i still clearly remember every conversation we made the chats. eventhough i keep closing and ending the history, my mind won't do the same.

every rose has its thorns

listened to this song today's afternoon and automatically fell in love with this piece of perfection. The music video which has good combination of grayscale and reds shoots everywhere managed to capture my heart in no second.

the translation of this song:

Is there something wrong?

with me? I have this tendency to fucking fuck up with all my relationships. People mad at me. I mad at people. They distance themselves from me. I distance myself. There will be time when I get bored with everyone I'm close with, and then I drift away for awhile. But when I want to go back, they are already gone. It's so lonely, my life is. Having no one to actually understand you, no one that could put up with my flaws, my negative side. People are easily get sick of me. There is absolutely something, or maybe a lot of thing that completely wrong with me.

How does it feel to be someone's first priority?

i never know. i haven't been anyone's. even all my closest friends. even in my family. no matter what i have done to people, i will never be their first priority. one of many sad truths about myself.